Reminisces on a life lived

2003-05-11T12:50:00.000-07:00

Um. Apologies. I have had so much crap to deal with recently that i have not really felt, shall we say, the need or desire to fill you, the general public, in on whatever it is that i have been up to. But i shall endeavour to keep you all up to date with what is going on.At least on a weekly basis.

So i went to court last week and got an all vehicle 12 month ban, and a $500 fine. Couldn't care less about the fine really, its the effing inconvenience of not being able to get around that will really kick me in the stomach.

And of course my name was in the paper, with a frankly *hilarious* quote from me when i was arrested (i have been trying to play down the kudos of this with friends who think this is the funniest thing since whatever. It is very funny, but it's my life, y'know, i have to at least try and take it a bit seriously. So i have taken some grief from colleagues, but so far no 'powers that be' have stuck their oar in, and why should they indeed, for it isn;t really a work matter, it's not interfering with my ability to do my job (the sheer dullness is however) so frankly they can just sod off.

And i feel quite bad, because my life has been if not filled with scandal since i got here, then i have had more than my fair share. And i feel bad because i was kind of hoping that someone else would do something stupid to take the heat off me, and now someone has.
Although i am hearing this third handed, it appears "a" got arrested after i left him on Friday night for fighting. Affray. Someone mentioned that a policeman broke an arm. This doesn't sound good, does it. So i hear third hand that he was in jail most of Saturday, and i still don;t know if he's got out yet, and it is, of course all a big secret. And woefully, i can;t help that it somehow makes my situation seem a bit better, which is exactly what i felt when my flatmate's girlfriend came off her bike a few days ago and cut her feet up badly and had lots of stiches. What a horrible person i am sometimes. But the time has come, i have decided, to look after number one.

So after my little bit of trouble, my housemate says he has an offer to move into a cheaper place. This is not a bad thing, and has worked out really well, as i am moving into a little waterfront studio 15 minutes walk from work on May 31 (cheaper too amazingly!). And i have taken it on a short term basis as Derek tells me that there will almost definately be a room going in his house in August, where the rent is even cheaper, and i can get a ferry to work every day.
Of course, i am selling my bike, because it is worht a lot of money. Then i will buy a little 50cc runner for about 500$ and drive it illegally, only for (ahem emergencies). It is a risk, but what in life isn't.

I went to the beach with her last Sunday. And a few other people. None of whom know of our previous liaisons. So we had a few drinks, and i reflect how good she looks in a two piece bikini (although i have of course seen her out of it) and how incredible it seems to me now, middling in confidence though high in spirits (amazingly!) that i had the self belief to put a move on her.
And as a few drinks turns to a few more, she becomes increasingly tactile, stroking my hand with hers, and playfully ruffling my hair, and i think this is a little strange, and i do not really know what is happening or where it is going, and suddenly i am looking at her even younger, portugese friend with quite possibly the nicest derriere i have seen in a long while, and thinking/imaging a romantic tryst with her. And i am forced to revise my opinion of her yet again, as she has given me her cell phone for nothing (as she has got a swanky new one natch), and i think what a nice gesture, and it is.

And where does this leave Trish? Argh she is so nice, i would marry her in a second, but there is nto the same sort of primal lust i have for her which may be a good thing, a more mature rounded experience....
And i wonder why, since i have been invited out by her tonight to celebrate someone or other's birthday, i am not going with her, but am going to the cinema with Trish instead, who it must be said, i am spending an increasing amount of time around. And who said to my in an email that she could not stand staying on this small island without certian people here, to which she added quite volntarily "very much you included" which had the effect of giving me a warm glow all afternoon.

So i am looking forward to mvoing house. I am taking positives out of negatives all over the shop, and i am going to Vegas in three weeks with jen, who i imagine i will at least try and come onto, as we are sharing a room etc, and i have always been able to talk to her, and although a few years younger than me, i have always suspected something might happen between us.

So cinema in two hours.
In work until then, and need to. Two things to get in on Monday and my life will becoem easier afterwards.

I have just looked in the bathroom mirror and i need a haircut, but i am delaying until a week before i go to Vegas because i want my hair to be cut, but not JUST cut, which would be tragic and desperate, so not like me at all eh?

I am desperate, however, to get off this, let it be said, very small island. Cabin fever has set in.

2003-04-28T04:13:00.000-07:00

Um, my latest entry isn't showing. Wonder why not.

2003-04-20T12:48:00.000-07:00

Disaster, disaster, disaster.

My life takes a turn for the worse as usual.

But let us retreat a few paces and go back, way back to Thursday 10th. When at 3pm, she emails me (and i think how impersonal no? but also, that would be my chosen way of letting someone down) and tells me that she is "too tired/hungover" to play pool with me. And of course i have told all the poker boys that i cannot make it that night, and they have childishly ribbed me, and surmised that i must be going on a date (to which i reply, it is not a date). And i am disappointed; of course i am; so much so that i wait half an hour before replying to her, even though she has seen i have read the email. And then i inform her, in a tone of annoyance, whilst trying not to sound too annoyed, that i am exceeding busy the next week and any rearrangal will be difficult. And i am, i concede, a mistrusting soul, as the thought occurs to trawl the bars that night to see whether she really is "too tired/hungover" or whether she has a better offer. Of course Trish went out with her brother, and i feel bad as i am forced to ask her via email whether anyone from work was out last night (meaning her) and she tells me no, there weren't (but that doesn;t necessarily mean she wasn't out, does it?

Saturday went whale watching, and got very sunburnt, and not a little seasick. Had a bad 20 minute spell out there. Saw a couple of whales though, so not bad. Tuesday, saw Pat Rafter play tennis. Not bad.

Thursday, went out got drunk. Got arrested. Spent night in cell. There's a first time for everything isn't there? Got caught speeding and was over the limit alcohol wise. Will almost definately lose my license and get a whacking fien, and i guess i deserve it. It is such a tin pot place here, that it's easy to forget these things though. So i have to go back to the cops on Friday and then another two or so weeks until court, and i am dreading losing my license, as its the only way to get around here, and i am dreading having to tell the story over an over again 9and i wonder if i should inform work, as technically, i suppose, it's none of their business. And so i felt down all weekend, and i really needed someone to talk to, so i wne tround to Trish's on Saturday, and she was really cool, really nice, and cheered me up no end. Rumours are spreading about me and her. It doesn;t upset me. I like her lots. Still think nothing will ever happen though. We decided we are both going back "home" after the two years here (London and vancouver respectively)

Gaaah - work is awful isn't it.

2003-04-07T16:32:00.000-07:00

Just the other day, it seems, we had decided we should speak no more of her. And yet here is the beginning of an entry, inspired and dedicated to all things her.

If it is not fate then i think someone up there has a sick sense of humour.

She is doing the tax work on one of my clients. You have to laugh don't you. And now i have been thrown back into a kind of abyss in which i appear to be constantly circling her, moving in much closer, but never touching. And i recall that at the weekend (after a quite stellar round of golf in which while reversing the golf cart i knocked over a fence post, causing four or five portions of fence to collapse) i had a drink with two chaps from work and two other chaps. Quoth one of the others ' I like that scandinavian girl from your tax dept" At which point i pointed out that she (for it was her) was in fact, not scandinavian at all (although as blonde as one could be, i cannot deny) but from Seattle. And i reflect now, it is a miracle that i did not go on, amidst the boistrous oohing and aahing, to divulge the minutae of our mini-affair. And why should i, you might ask, because lets face it i'm a bloody adult, and so i really shouldn;t still be out wanting kudos, respect or just amazement at this revelation (for they wopuld surely all wonderwhat a girl as gorgeous as her would ever be doing with me, and i myself even, on occassion wonder why she slept with me, so all's fair). But yes, amazingly kept my mouth shut, and smiled. And felt a teeny bit of regret, and a teeny bit of something else which was something along the lines of "at least....."

Trish has disappeared. her sister has come here to get married so i guess she's wrapped up in family stuff. Not entirely disappeared. She still sits at the end of my row.
And in a scene of horrible duplicity, i am going to play pool with her on Thursday. I am even giving up my seat round the poker table. Gah.

2003-03-31T14:54:00.000-08:00

Hmmm, been a bit lazy at this recently.

The weather was stunning this weekend. Spent most of it in the sun and with friends; it was perfect.

Meanwhile the sexual tension between myself and trish grows by the day. She is a really great girl - very different from her i note. And i finally thought this weekend - yes, yes you do really like Trish and there is something there i think, but the more i delineate situations the more hopeless they become so i have already decided she doesn;t like me "in that way" and now all we have to hop is that my burgeoning feelings don;t fuck up what is becoming a sound friendship.

I keep hitting the semi-colon instead of the apostrophe, have you noticed.

Playing pool with Trish tomorrow. I am good at Pool (the evidence of a misspent youth, tis why i am also good at cards), but having not picked up a cue in anger in over 6 months it will be interesting to see how i fare.

Will keep you posted.

2003-03-24T13:39:00.000-08:00

The oscars.

I watched them, and hence i am absolutely ker-nackered today. Yesterday was brilliant - went for a swanky brunch/lunch affiar and then spent a few hours on the beach. I have caught the sun. Anyway, the oscars. This was in many ways as riveting a ceremony as i have ever seen.

Stand up Michael Moore for having the guts to say what you believe. Also i thought the chap who won best actor did really well. Damn right. Tell them to shut that fucking music up and say what you have to say. Nicole Kidman lost points because she was like me - crap - at the speech, in fact shockingly ordinary and mumbled all over her words which she was desperately searching for and not finding. (listen love, art as healer and social bonding agent is difficult enough at the best of times, let alone when there is a war on). Susan sarandon gets a badge for her peace sign and saying her intro very markedly so that we were in no two minds about the subtext. Marvellous stuff. I am against this war i have decided. How militant left wing of me. The chaps back home would never have believed it.

And i am in love with Diane Lane, who looked lovelier than ever last night.

2003-03-22T08:24:00.000-08:00

Gah. Note to self. Do not post when drunk and feeling sorry for oneself. It is always a bloody embarrassment, and can hardly be thrilling for the loyal readership.

I am watching the football results come in on the intertent. This is as thrilling as life gets.

Meanwhile a Sami Hyppia lookalike is telling me that i can find singles in my area. Really Sami? I doubt it.

Haha me and derek got chatted up by two girls last night. It was hilarious, we played along for a bit, then got bored and left. And someone i hardly know came up to me and said" so and so is really pissed at you" and proceeded to tell me what i had supposedly done, which i can't even be bothered to remember whether i had said what was being alleged, because to me it seems pretty pathetic and i can't say i care much to the chap who i have allegedly wronged, such that if i saw him I may feel the desire to tell him to fucking grow up and act his age (getting on for thirty i'd say). Then i may put him on the floor for wasting my valuable time.

hee hee, actually i'm quite glad about that bit of the night, because i care too much about some stuff, so it was refreshing to think that i do not actually give a shit about this tosser.

But then she turned up, and it is never a nice thing (not her turning up, but watching her with some assholes hand on her ass). so it goes, but hell i'm sure i'll survive.

Fifteen mins til full time. I'll tidy my desk, then the video store i think.

2003-03-21T23:52:00.000-08:00

Depression alert

Please do not read on if you think i have been making progresss recently.

She was out tonight. And kissing someone else; and it hit me hard. It hit me hard in the stomach.It hit me harder then i thought it would. I can't breathe.
I don;t want to see her when she is out, but she is a hard one to miss, being five foot ten (at least) and very blonde.

The days , and the powers i had seem so very long ago now.

Ill off now. I'm ok, just. I wish she hadn't sent me the following email:

"so i miss hanging out with you :( "

And me you my dear, but that is all part of life's rich pageant.

I felt like smashing things up on the way backhere; couldn;t flag a cab. Thought better of it in the end. Well done

2003-03-19T09:13:00.000-08:00

I really want the teenage fanclub greatest hits album. So if you could buy it for me that would be great.....

Watched American idol last night. I realise this is somewhat base for a man of my intellect, but it is the only thing my housemate and I are able to interact in on a weekly basis. He gets annoyed when i slag off the contestants, saying "could you do any better". What a luddite dullard, as if thats even the point. I am suchan intellectual snob, and i tower over him and everything he stands for.

The big guy is good isn't he? I do not like clay, particularly the way he mouths "thankyou" under his breath. He is very odd.

I am almost ashamed to say this, but I have a rapidly growing crush on young (17!) Carmen. Lovely lovely Carmen. I am setting up a Carmen fan club. I am so sad aren't I, still i am laughing at myself here still, so all gauges fully functioning. She is a sweetie though. Even if she does wear too much make up. But that could be changed.

Anyway i just got an email from melissa - the only girl i've ever been in love with. My heart leapt several feet in the air, even though she is miles away in France. Ah. life. Do't you just love it. I am getting dangerously close to booking my flights to vegas and la. I know it is terrible to say but do you think airfares will go up or down during conflict? This war is wrong. I mean, it may be right, but it is being done all wrong. (sigh) when will people learn.

I am an odd chap i have just realised. In my last post there i was singing the praise of (late thirties? Diane) and now i am lusting over pretty young Carmen. Oh well.

Over and out.

2003-03-16T08:28:00.000-08:00

Last night was fun. Went to some boxing night extravanganza. Fun seeing lots of people belting ten bells out of each other.

Had a few drinks. Saw Tina. I think i may have a chance with her, she was very drunk and we kissed but it was difficult to say it implied or even meant anything, as she was sadly, having difficulty standing. I was relatively sober, not going out til 9pm and then not really hitting it hard. So someone else to aim for. Probably a bit more realistic truth be told. With her i always felt like i was punching above my weight (excuse pathetic boxing reference there). So, we'll see.

Watched a film called unfaithful this morning. Diane Lane is just about the hottest thing i have ever seen in this film. Does this mean i am into older women all of a sudden. nah, but i swear she is really really good in this.

Anyhoo, i actually have some work to do so i'll off.

Toodleoo.

2003-03-15T08:03:00.000-08:00

In work. Hungover. It is amazing how nearly all of my entries start this way isn't it.

Went out last night, mainly with Derek. She was out for a bit last night but i was good and mainly ignored her. She sent me an email yesterday PM though, so i responded cordially."I haven't heard from you in a while, I hope all is well. " is what she said. Yep darling, all's fine, cept i hate this bloody job. Can;t wait for summer to hurry up and get here. There were a lot of (what appeared to anyway) 16/17 yr oldls out on the town last night, which on the one hand was a good thing as it meant i could be a sad old perve all night (with a knowing smile on my face naturally) but i thought christ, you are getting on a bit aren't you. 26. Amazing. When i was 16/17 i couldn't imagine being 26. it's not much different. You learn a few things along the way, but you can develop bad habits also. And if that becomes the norm you don't even realise they're bad. Ho hum.

Uh yeah, so anyway, didn't get laid last night. my heart (as i am increasingly saying) wasn't really in it. But Derek is a good chap. Seems like its always us two out at the end of the night these days, and its no bad thing. I wish my friends in LA would hurry up and get back to me over when they are gonna be home so i can crash, as i wanna book my holiday. Jen is coming over for a week, and we are going to Vegas together for five days and then i'm off to LA. So there are quite a few variables. I hate having to organize things. Can't someone do it for me?? Right feeling a bit sick. i just had a Hershey's cookies and cream. Sickly.

2003-03-11T09:58:00.000-08:00

"you gotta pick some people up, you gotta let some people go, and if lee's name does come up, then i really wanna know, because everybody loves a TV show.......
Have you lost your love of life, too much apple pie, and now harry's walked away with johnny's wife"

David Lewis Gedge.

2003-03-11T09:47:00.000-08:00

I have decided i don't like my job very much. In fact some times i hate it. Yet for some reason this startling piece of self analysis is making me smile. Not because i still have a minimum of one year on my contract here (which i will fulfill - like the place, hate the job)but because it is one thing to definitely tick off the list when it comes to making the next decision.

I have been doing a fair bit of writing recently which is quite pleasing. Only quite pleasing, I am getting excited because it now seems that i am definitely going to LV and LA in June/July. Hoorah. I am going to get a cool whit shirt and pretend i am in Swingers. And i am going to tell girls that i am a famous writer in the UK and that i am in LA to sell a screenplay or something. Well maybe. I need to get laid y'see. And on holiday i won't necessarily have time for the old style T-boy charm routine....

Have not spoken or seen or heard hide nor hair from her (how alliterative!) in an age. I know we said we should not speak about her again, and i'm not really, but i am doing well. Watching a lot of movies and just, y'know chilling. But i would like a girlfriend maybe. or just someone to sleep with on a non-commital basis. Do i sound like a sex addict? I hope not. But it's fun nest pas? So applications to be my fuck-buddy to the usual address LOL....

Anyways, i'd better go, this job needs my attention DULL DULL DULL. Hurry up summer!

2003-03-09T06:41:00.000-08:00

Friday night was very drunken i am afraid.

I cannot really remember all the how's why's and wherefores. Got home by 10am and slept until 1230, when woken by housemate to tell me to get my ass up and go golfing.
It was a beautiful day and good company, but the sun was beating down so hot that by the time we hit the 13th, i had had enough, so i went home. Horrible, horrible hangover. Went to bed at 8pm and slept for 12 hours straight. Upon waking my pillow case was spattered with blood, which is odd. Must have had a nosebleed in the night or something. Don't normally get nosebleeds and haven't done anything naughty like that for a while (well since her birthday anyways) so it's a bit unexpected.
I know i drank way too much on Friday because my body still hurts.

Must get out of this self-destructive cycle. Although Trish did say that i was "witty and articulate" on Friday night. Although her bf arrived yesterday from Vancouver, so i don't know why i'm bothering there anyway....... She invited me to go to the deep last night but i was in no condition to do anything, and besides it has only been two months since i smashed up their stuff, so i didn't go.....

Hohum. I am going to the video store. And to get some fizzy drink. I had cold pizza for breakfast this morning. healthy me eh?

2003-03-08T05:55:00.000-08:00

I just woke up at my desk. There is a two pint carton of milk in front of me. I do not know why.

I rully need some decent sleep before i go golfing, so love and hugs to those who deserve it. There. I'm feeling frivolous and into PDAs.
Later

2003-03-07T08:36:00.000-08:00

(sings) " I know it's over/ and it never really began/ but in my heart, it was so real / and you even spoke to me...."

Yes. That's it folks. It's over. Finito. The end.

It is time to draw a line in the sand.

I am talking about her of course.

Yeah i got an email back, and blah blah, really busy with work, blah blah, will be working all weekend and late evenings. Subtext - don't really want to go out with you. Because, i think no matter how much you are working, if you really wanted to, you would make time. So tsand up self respect, that's all folks. I won't bother her anymore, i'll wait and see if she bothers to contact me once her supposedly "busy" period is over. And then shun her. Maybe. And the boy in me thinks, "well, at least you fucked her and it was good" and part of me thinks now that really, after all, she is just a silly little girl who has had things come to her far to easily, and if you are honest, you can see her getting into real trouble one way or another sooner or later. But there is undoubtedly another part of me that did really like her and maybe still does.....

And i think back to the last time we went out, just me and her, and we confided so much in each other, like we were the last two people on earth. And, of course, when the drink flowed, the conversation turned to really dirty sex, which of course was marvellous.

Still. Move on. I won at poker last night. $300. it is a sign. I am a winner. Tonight, who knows what i may get up to. Free work drinks then hit the town. Golf tomorrow weather permitting. It is supposed to shit it down in the am. Hopefully clear up by our tee off time of 2pm

So, we'll speak no more of her unless of course by some miracle she manages to bundle her way back into my life....... Which of course would not be surprising on this, let it be said, extremely small island..........

2003-03-05T09:06:00.000-08:00

A bevelled edge of concrete marks
the salt stained flesh now wet and split.
Thick and viscous seepage stamps the skin.
You were not wanted now;
The patterned excitement of your lacy hips,
the promise of dark and damp pubescence
isn't needed here.
Hard and dark and fast and free,
I bleed my inhibitions dry.

"How was your day?" You'll ask tomorrow,
"How do you feel"
As i raise my head from your constricting thighs,
my face is hot and wet again.
It feels the same - the pleasure, the pain.

(C) me.

Hmm, i've been writing. How unsatisfying. Still at least i didn't throw this effort away immediately after writing it eh? So its progress of sorts. Still worried it is too narrow and adolescent, which at 26 must be considered a backward step.

Anyway, better dash.

2003-03-03T08:45:00.000-08:00

Scottish Fiction

It isn't in the mirror
It isn't on the page
It's a red-hearted vibration
Pushing through the walls
Of dark imagination
Finding no equation
There's a Red Road rage
But it's not road rage
It's asylum seekers engulfed by a grudge
Scottish friction
Scottish fiction

It isn't in the castle
It isn't in the mist
It's a calling of the waters
As they break to show
The new Black Death
With reactors aglow
Do you think your security
Can keep you in purity
You will not shake us off above or below
Scottish friction
Scottish fiction

(c) Edwin Morgan

Well done Edwin, that is now adorning my cube.

Feel a bit better today. It poured all day Sunday, so golf was a no-no and i watched two ber-illiant films. Mullholland Drive, and, even better, Donnie Darko.
Really good stuff, if all a bit weird.

Having decided not to care quite so much about her, and get some goddamn self respect for , er, myself, i emailed her this am, but have heard nothing back, which must mean that she is either a) off sick (probable) or b) being rude and ignoring me (possible, unlikely though , even for her)

Anyhow, must go, i've got to eat my lunch.

2003-03-01T09:03:00.000-08:00

Good Lord. What a pathetic drunk i am. How embarrassing.

2003-03-01T00:03:00.000-08:00

Er, yeah, i'm feeling sorry for myself. I don;t normally allow myself this indulgence, so your love, understanding,worthless trinkets, hugs and smoochy kisses would be most appreciated............

2003-02-28T23:46:00.000-08:00

I feel lost. And helpless.

I have to admit it.

I am smitten.

And worst of all it is with her.

My team do went off without drama tonight exceot i bowled appalingly in the first game (100) and well in the second (156). Unfortunately the two scores were aggregated and thefrfore i lost by 8 points. ridiculous when you consider that i bowled so terribly in the first game.

Anyway, after much good piss and food i got dropped into town by Suzanne (manager, fit, fit, fit body, don't fancy a smack in the balls so would never try anything), and by 130am life started again:

She was there and it is an indictment of the fact that she holds so much power over me that i often wish she wasn't.

God, she needs to know.

"You look fantastic i told her" ...... ' but then you already k now that"

" thanks" she says - " i don't know that - it's lovley to hear someone say it."

She is wearing a low cut white top. Her breasts pour out of it, and the mole that i had hoped would be mine alone to see is visible to all.
And i feel sory for myself all jight, because it is plain to see that whatever it is or was that enabled me to envelope myself in Elizabeth was but a fleeting moment, and like a smoke ring, once touched, broken, never to be regained. But we have all played this game before. Yes i know she is not right for me. yes i know she does not really fancy me. Yes i know she will end up doing whatever she feels like regardless of my feelings.

God i sound like a tiny adolescent, probably because it is 330am and i am drunk. Drunk. Drunk as a skunk. yet funnily enough not drunk enough to make something happen. She looked splendid, magnificent: i simply could not take my eyes off her. She bewitches me. Beguiles me. I feel so lost. I don't want to talk to her when she is around, as i don't know who is watching, and what she may say, i feel, may harm me forever.

WHY WHY WHY do i always do this to myself, fall for girls like this, which is what i am undeniably doing, or have undeniably done. She stood there tonight and i just wanted her. Every bit of her. I have never wanted anyone so wholly and completley. And yet she doesn;t care, or doesn;t realise, or probably both. And i watched her, and then i spoke. And it was good and we laughed at something i said. But for her this is what it is. Just talking. I cannot read anything more into it than i can read from right to left.

It has been a long time, i realise now, since i have really felt wanted. Felt needed. This maybe what is chewing me up inside. It is not healthy for an only child to have his mother fled the nest before he does (albeit only during the six months from Uni to work)

God - Elizabeth - you do something to me. I should admit that. To myself. To everyone. Maybe then i can move on. Find someone right for me...... although (hehe) i doubt it.......

It's four nearly. I want to go to bed. CAB i think. I am not nearly sober enough to ride home.
this may be the most depressing entry i have ever written, but conversley the most honest.

T

2003-02-26T09:03:00.000-08:00

I'm a generally unfuckwitted, liberal, not-too-generous, not-too-selfish, pathetically simple-minded, dribbling child!
See how compatible you are with me!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

Agree, apart from the simple minded and dribbling bit, but that goes hand in hand with inebriation, so half right i suppose.
I am 83% compatible with bizarrogirl from whom i raft this little thing.......

Not too much to report today. Work is... work, which is to say, pretty dull. Busy but bored.
I really want to see Donnie Darko, and next week i'll have enough money to rent it. Woohoo. I will need to check that the video/DVD rental store that i joined the other day (and the server woman must have thought me quite odd, for having taken fifteen minutes filling in the ridiculously long and personal form, she then asked if i wanted to rent anything and when i replied no, with good reason, she shot me a look which seemesd to say, "why have you just spent your valuable time joining a rental store then?" - ah, but you see, i move in mysterious ways sometimes, so i can understand her thinking me to be something of an idiot. We mock what we do not understand.) actually has it in. Sorry the idea in those parentheses is far too long to conjunct a sentence (memo to self - do not forget to finish original sentence idea......)

Playing golf on Sunday, hope the weather is good. No doubt it will be gorgeous and sunny on Saturday, while i am unable to function due to my work "outing" the night before, free booze and food and bowling all night long. My top bowling score is 181, is that good? My style is unorthadox as i am right handed and spin the ball from left to right. Unorthodox and, it must be said, largely unsuccessful.

I have been doing the strangest thing, that is subconsciously, or consciously, probably, (if i'm honest), finding any excuse to go upstairs to her floor on work grounds and then NOT saying anything to her other than the odd hello or nod. Maybe it is my childish way of getting back at her for my feelings of neglect. Who knows. Although we had some good email banter the other day (Monday i think), so y'know, the patient, though ailing, is still in the land of the living.

Right, sandwich time! Be working late tonight methinks.

2003-02-25T09:11:00.000-08:00

Here is London, giddy London
Is it home of the free -
Or what ?

Can you squeeze me
Into an empty page of your diary
And psychologically save me
I've got faith in you
I sense the power
Within the fingers
Within an hour the power
Could totally destroy me
(Or, it could save my life)

Oh, here is London
"Home of the brash, outrageous and free"
You are repressed
But you're remarkably dressed
Is it Real ?
And you're always busy

Really busy
Busy, busy
Oh, hairdresser on fire
All around Sloane Square
And you're just so busy
Busy, busy
Busy scissors
Oh, hairdresser on fire
(Only the other day)

Was a client, over-cautious
He made you nervous
And when he said
"I'm gonna sue you"
Oh, I really felt for you ...mmm...

So can you squeeze me
Into an empty page of your diary;
And supernaturally change me ?
Change me, change
Oh, here in London
"Home of the brash, outrageous and free"
You are repressed
But you're remarkably dressed
Is it Real ?
And you're always busy

Really busy
Busy clippers
Oh, hairdresser on fire
All around Sloane Square

And you're just too busy
To see me
Busy clippers
Oh, hairdresser on fire
(Only the other day)

(c) Stephen Morrissey

How silly of me, i mistyped my quote when i chose my URL, oh well, too late to change it now......

I am , let it be said, doing a fair bit of writing at the moment. I have started a short story (more chance of finishing a short one don't we agree?) which revolves around a man who's wife is suffering from alzheimer's. The twist is that he's a WW2 German war crimes offender. That may sound too dramatic for a short story, but it works. I have only written a couple fo thousand words so far, so we'll see. That's spoiled it for all of you hasn't it? Hopefully will be more successful than my Mary Shelley/ William Godwin familial novel that never really got off the ground. There are a couple of good historical books on the subject though, i suggest you seek them out.

She informs me that she has started reading the book i leant her a while ago. Well done. I wonder if she will enjoy it. It is not HST's best writing ba long shot, but it interested me for the precise reason that it captures the spark, the beginning of a (great) talent. You can almost see it unfolding, unfurling before your eyes. And now i am wondering whether it is ever acceptiblte to lie to someone, for the other day she asked me "Hopefully I am a cute drunk and not an annoying one?"

and i responded "Haha, yeah, you weren't too bad. Quite funny actually.... so yes, more cute than annoying. :) " which is, our more astute readers will note in direct contrast to that whc i had posted not a few days earlier on here. But then drink is unpredictable, and that is what makes it marvellous, that sometimes it will lead to Christmas Eve, while other times it will be the horrible reality of NYE. The Ups. The Downs. It is all there. So it would really be bad of me to tell the truth to her about just how annoying she appeared to me on Friday, when she reacted so beautifully to my NYE performance, depsite that fact that, almost irrefutably, i was a little shit to her......

2003-02-23T12:12:00.000-08:00

I just remembered something. My favourite film of all time, The Big Lebowski, was on TNT this morning.

I wondered how they would deal with all the swearing, but this had me in stitches.

The scene where John Goodman is smashing up the car screaming " Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass" was dubbed to " do you see what happens when you find a stranger in the alps" Snigger. It doesn't even make any sense.

Reminds me of the dubbed for TV Scarface where they changed the word "pussy" to "pineapple" ridiculous. God, what is wrong with the word "pussy" anyways?

I hate censorship.

2003-02-23T08:11:00.000-08:00

So how was Friday?

It was good, it was bad, it was ugly.

Things got off to a good start with the fact that my "team'" at work had a meeting to pick who was going to be in what teams for next Fridays team bowling. There was a cooler of beer there, so i guess the picking teams was just an excuse, but you won't hear me complaining. So by 7pm all the beer was gone, and i went to the local as i had promised i would meet "a" and Derek there, and i did, dragging trish and susana with me for the ride. she was also there, but i noticed somewhat the worse for wear, in fact absolutely trashed by 730, which is odd for her, as she can normally take her drink. So i left that place at about 9ish and went to the PO. Had a bit of a mock argument with "a", which, when i think aboput it now, i hope he wasn't too offended by. Don't know why i care so much really. Started flirting outrageously with Cindy, who i note is always pleased to see me, which resulted in me fishi9ng in her pants to see what colour her panties were. I am a disgrace sometimes. She didn't seem to mind though. For some reason, i suppose my general demeanour allows me to do stuff like that and get away with it. Anyhoo.....

Made my way to Blue Juice and by now i am absolutley leathered. (in the way that i only seem to get when i haven't planned to go out at all). At the bar met the girl from two weeks ago, got chatting, she bought me a beer and i kissed her, quite protractedly on the lips, twice. And i notice, all of a sudden that there is a guy standing next to us, and this irritates me, as he is obviously with this new girl, who we shall call Tina, for that is her name, and i am left thinking either a) he is romantically linked with this girl who i have just kissed twice protractedly on the lips, in which case why hasn't he intervened or hit me or something, or b) he is just her friend, in which case having seen me come onto her, by protractedly kissing her on the lips twice (and with no hint of recoil from her) why doesn't he just fuck off and leave us to it.

Anyway, after a while i make my excuses and leave, but i have a feeling i'll be back there before too long. Laying the groundwork as they say, although i always seem to be absolutley wasted when i see her, which is something of a shame. The rest of the night is a complete mystery, a blur. I can only remember fragements, although i remember sharing a cab home with a guy i vaguely know. So spent most of yesterday hungover even though it was gorgeous out, and went to Robs for dinner, which was nice.

Anyway, i actually have a fair bit of work to do today, so i'll be off.

2003-02-21T09:47:00.000-08:00

I feel like doing something naughty tonight. I don't know what, or how this will manifest itself. I just feel, well, in need of proving to oneself that one is still alive. I think i will just flirt outrageously with the girls. I don't have enough cash to get completely wasted tonight, so we'll see. have i already told you what happened at poker. I was poor. I played like a man that couldn't afford to lose, and i was first off the table at 11pm. Amateur. I may take a breather next week and try and sort my head out. i am a much better player than i'm showing here. Maybe i'm giving them too much respect. maybe the cards have just been crap. maybe.

So yes, naughty. saucy. cheeky. I feel emboldened. This is because, as i have said before, it is not correct for a man of my age to "not be having sex" and it is my belief that being, as i have just pointed out, "emboldened" is a pretty good way of sorting this problem out. Some people treat sex as a kind of holy cow. Not me. We are on this earth to enjoy ourselves i think. Hence there are people, and people who i really respect, who would not dream of having a one night stand, because to them, personally, they have to really know and trust someone before they have sex. And that's fine. But for me, sex does not always have to be imbued with feeling and emotion (although it is great when it is, don't get me wrong). Sex can just be sex. Physical. People enjoying each other. That moment, not what has come before or what will happen after.

Anyway, enough of me being an apologist for sleeping around..... I have work to do.

2003-02-21T06:25:00.000-08:00

hmmm. something's up.

2003-02-18T09:07:00.000-08:00

Well here i am once again, and it is with weary heart that i sit and write. Work is soooo boring it is untrue today, and it is lovely and sunny outside too.

Chicago was excellent i thought. I must admit i hadn't expected to enjoy it, but came away with quite a smile on my face..... Sometimes, it seems, i can allow myself not to be some cynical literati type with a high opinion of myself... Not often though.

Am becoming increasingly, yes increasingly, so this is, as Churchill said, not the end, not even the beginning of the end, but maybe, just maybe the end of the beginning (i'm sure i've paraphrased him there, but he won't mind, the old fool, he's dead), increasingly disenchanted with how things appearing to be heading (or rather not heading) with her. It is not fair i tell myself. For one minute she is all over me and the next she tells me we should be just friends and i am fine with this (well, sort of; actually thinking about it maybe i am...) but.....

BUT - her behaviour over the last few days has been neither. Neither that of a lover, or at least an interested party, or a friend. Of course it may be just the paranoia returning, and it invariably does from time to time, but she has not said a thing to me, or even emailed me the most rudimentary of greetings. And i feel that this always happens and i end up being the one doing all the work. And so i noticed on Friday that she did not really speak to me, and a couple of times i have passed her getting in and out of lifts and so forth, and we have exchanged a quick "hello" or my world famous "raised eyebrow/head" greeting. But we have not stopped (or she has not and therefore i haven't either) to talk. Like people would if they were friends, or had shared the kind of intimacy that we have.

So i am now in a very deliberate state of most definitley NOT emailing her, or calling her, or doing any such thing, because i am wondering if she will perhaps care enough to enquire after my wellbeing or maybe just what i did at the weekend. But not so far. And it disappoints, because i thought it was more, thought i maybe more important to her. And it also disappoints as i realise my own disappointment at this confirms my initial fears that she is very important TO ME. And that i am aching to send her something witty, something to make her smile, to make her respond, but i know if i do i will be digging myself into the same furrow i have been in before.

So i'm sitting here surfing, and trying to organise my work load this week, which shouldn't be too bad, and worrying as my phone bill standing order has not gone through as i did not h enough cash......

Good lord, there is enough to worry about sometimes.

2003-02-15T08:14:00.000-08:00

Today started quite sunny and i watched a bit of cricket before deciding i had to come back into town and retrieve my bike etc.

Last night was good. Very good turnout in fact. She even came along for a bit, and despite some email banter yesterday afternoon i am finding it increasingly difficult to read her. And so we were there in a group, and not really talking, indeed, to me anyway, almost deliberately NOT talking, and i reflect, as i sit here, having just eaten a rather stale donut which has left me feeling quite sick, that sometimes i am much better in a group, and sometimes i am much better in a one on one. And i realise that it really does depend on circumstance, and that last night, for example i was holding court, as i love to do on occasion, with Trish, Louise and Susana sat round me, talking about erect nipples of all things, and it was, let it be said, a stellar performance, as i was on good form, very good form, and making people laugh, which is what good looking girls lie through their teeth about when asked what they look for in a man. And so i end up in Blue juice again, with Derek (fast becoming a wing-man of sorts) and i see the someone else from a while ago, who blanks me oddly, which throws me slightly, and i see the girl from last week, who now sadly is ensconced in some other poor souls arms, and i really, i reflect, should not have been quite so drunk last week, as the question" have i slept with you before" is really rather odd and not condusive, i would suspect to actually changing a negative answer to the question to an affirmative.

So, i stay there a little longer, and i think rationally that, although drunk, it is going to be a long haul to make anything happen tonight, and she has not shown up, despite, on parting earlier saying she would, and i am tired and can't make the effort, so i get a cab home on my own, as Derek has disappeared anyway, and i'm on bed at 2.30 (or should be - i fall asleep on the sofa with the tv on, and wake at 8am with a very painful cramp in my right calf.)

So today i think i may just take it easy. Tomorrow i think (if memory serves me correct, and it wasnt just the drink talking, i am going round to Trish's and she's cooking Chinese food and then we may go and see Chicago.

I lost at poker this week, played well though, encouraging. Hence i am now a little short on the cash, but flatmate owes me nearly $200, so i suppose its not too bad, and this is, let it be said, the shortest month, and only one more Friday night until pay day, which, i decide , is typical of me , and the way i always tend to look at things.

Right, I'm off. That donut has done me no favours. I need water, or apple juice, and a walk. If the sun is still shining in two minutes, that's what i'll do.....

2003-02-11T16:40:00.000-08:00

I have done something very un-me. That is, i have organised Friday drinks for everyone. Well, put a shout out for it anyway. I hate organising things they always have the propensity to blow up in one's face. Here is the email i sent out to all the first years (well, all singles anyway) including her would you believe.....

"Valentine's Day (get) Massacre(d)

While the happily married's on the island will be whispering their sweet nothings, I was wondering whether anybody fancied some drinks straight after work on Friday.
I know some of you Jessie's have convinced yourself that there is more to starting the weekend then getting absolutely trousered, but on this, let it be said, extremely small island, I haven't found it yet. Plus most of us have now proved we can handle the 5pm-3am binge, so no excuses........

So whether you are single and loving it, single and hating it, or pining for that special someone across the ocean(!) let me know if you'll be coming out (Yay!) or staying in (boo) or going somewhere else with cooler people (boo,hiss).

Cordial regards,

T.......

P.s. I am well aware that it is only Tuesday lunchtime, I am suffering what I can only describe as a motivational low, and need to think ahead to happier times. "

The response has been astounding, don't know why i don't do this thing more often! I am, it must be noted, however, a confidence player. I will be playing poker again this Thursday, and could do with winning.

Tired and hungry.

2003-02-09T11:29:00.000-08:00

This weblog hasn't really turned out the way i thought it would. I thought it would be an outlet for me, where i could write, experiment. Instead it is just me doing some arbitrary updates as and when i can grab three parsecs here and there.

So the weeks fly by, and have you noticed, reader, that each week is often much like the last, like a twisted merrygoround, a band of players bobbing heads in rhythm. I can't honestly believe anybody would be interested in the daily inanities of my life, particularly when i myself am bored to tears by it from time to time.

And i know that there are options, there are choices. It is a crime, i feel, when the world loses its wonder, when for some reason the possibilities recede, and it feel like there is no point in asking questions anymore, as the answers are already known. Horrible and obvious.

Yes, there are options, there are choices. But bills still need to be paid. There is not much room in a dreamers makeup for practicality. And i know that i can pick up things and move on, and dump them down again, but how many more times, how long before something (anything?) will mean something.

Shelley, Keats, Byron - all fucked. All wasted. That is the romantic ideal i have, of shooting my mind to pieces with whatever intoxication i choose that particular weekend. I need a muse, something to inspire me, someone perhaps. And i suppose she is the closest i have to this at the moment. As most of my ramblings can somehow be linked to her. And i get a thrill and a buzz in my body when she tells me how smart she knows i am, and in a way i know i am as well, but when is this ever going to come out of the clouds and be tangible. When will i have something to show for it all.

Right, just reread that and it sounds like i am a bit pissed off. Not really, just a bit y'know, middling today. Nothing great, nothing bad.

I'm going home now.

2003-02-08T07:58:00.000-08:00

You will be pleased to hear that the card i made was a roaring success.

Here is her take on it:

"that is one of the sweetest cards I have ever received! Thank you!"

What a lovely boy i am sometimes.

So last night was another epic, as there were free drinks at work, and i had had a good start by having three beers when i went out to lunch with her and her tax friends, and i thought i like this girl, who has decided that her birthday lunch shall consist of fries and ice cream, and i think, this girl is cool, cos she doesn't give a damn what people think, (of course very different to my good self)
Anyway, so i went with Trish to hogpennya t around 10, as the free booze in work had been lapped up , right down to the dregs, and we saw the very amusing sight of someone projectile vomiting onto his friends. We moved onto the PO for her birthday drinks at 11 ish, and there was a queue and i hate queueing for anything, let alone an extremely poor bar on this, let it be said, small island, so i stroll up to the bouncers with Trish on my arm (who, i notice is looking HOT this evening, with a little wrap around top, and although she is drunk, as am i, i wonder if there is more to the fact that we held hands as we stumbled around town) and declare that i am late for a very important meeting. the bouncer laughs and i accept that it is a lame effort and return to the back of the line. Which makes it odd that two minutes later same bouncer is beckoning to me and trish and we manage to jump the line and walk straight in. Sometimes, i think to myself, you just MAKE it happen. And Trish is amazed and, as i mock-gangster it up (i smile at her and sing "I'm a hustler baby"), we stroll up the stairs and it is a beautiful moment.

She is there as is "a" and Derek, and i meet, greet, but i have been drinking since five and my mind is all over the place, so i end up drifting around and talking to all sorts of randoms, although i always know where she is because she has balloons tied to her. And i end up in Blue juice, although i have no idea quite who i went there with, i now realise. And she is there and i don't know if it is me, or the place, but a girl hits on me again (and there is a funny story here, as i am so drunk, i imagine it is the someone else from a couple of weeks ago, and amazingly they work in the same office, so although they don't look that alike, i am force to use the immortal line "excuse me, have we slept together". And i could have slept with this new one, but my mind is shot, and therefore i fail to seal the deal, and i lose her, although i will be keeping a look out for her in future, of course.) And in the end it is odd, as i think for the rest of the evening "damn, you could be fucking now", and this annoys me somewhat, and i am all of a sudden with her, and i am so drunk that i end up doing some coke with her, and it is great and we kiss and i cannot, i am afraid to say, keep my hands off her and it is in keeping with the rest of the evening that i do not end up sleeping with her, but end up back in my bed at 5am, alone.

And i had to come into work this morning to finish off a file, which i have done, but i am now starting to feel AWFUL, and i feel i must go home and get some sleep.

So, thats that. A good night all in all, some wasted opportunites or should that just be wasted (i certianly was, b ut in quite a good way)

Anyway, later

2003-02-06T04:25:00.000-08:00

You are red. You are impure, but noble. You are precious and true to yourself and others. When you love, you love entirely, and will do anything to make your love happy. You are sure of your identity, therefore, you cannot change others or be changed. You are a true prince, you may be forgotten, but without you, none of us could go on.

What inner color are you?

Don't normally go for these, but this kind of rings true dontcha think. Remember girls, i am impure, but noble!

2003-02-06T04:19:00.000-08:00

Feeling good at the moment. Very busy at work but if i make it through the weekend, my job next week has been moved back and so i have a few days for a clean up on all the other jobs i'm behind on. Yay.

Have been quite active for a midweek. Went to the pub on Tuesday for the quiz, with some second yrs. Our team got picked for the rollover jackpot question, but i presume someone won it last week, as sometimes it is as high as $900, but this time it was a mere $50. Which made it slightly more bearable that i went up to answer and got it wrong. Who was Henry VIIIs last wife? I should know that, but i guessed Anne of Cleeves. Wrong it was Catherine Parr, well, you learn something new every day don't you.

Last night i played poker with some other second yrs, it was good fun actually. I love poker, esp Hold 'em. The stakes were'nt too high, although i w3as told they can get quite high, and we played lots of variations which i hadn't played before. Never more than $20 up, never more than $60 down i won 2 of the last 3 hands and finished $10 down, not too bad, will definitely be palying again.

Will be working late tonight, lots to do. And have to get her card ready, it is 90% done, a little shambolic but quite sweet and better than the ones in the shops.

Well, better go. Have to work.

2003-02-03T14:19:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking today, you sir, although you love to ramble on about this and that, and if there is a y in the day usually the other as well, you sir, were beginning to lose enthusiasm for this whole updating blog malarkey. That was the way i looked at my weblog, as i opened my computer with heavy heart this morning.

It should be said that last night, was, a complete turnaround on a sunday which was looking decidely bleak at the point where i was sat at my computer. For not only did i find, whilst whizzing around the island looking for photo ops, a recreational space called "Great Head Park", which had me giggling like a schoolgirl all the way home (and proves i am very much still in touch with the child in me), i also went out to a bar on the other side of the island. i was invited by JJ and a few of her friends, and i thought, can you really be bothered, but then i reflected on my car-crash mood from earlier in the day, and decided yes, yes you will go, you must go. And i did. Just me, and five (count 'em) girls. And over four pints of lager (restrained no? thinking of the drive home though!) i talked laughed and noted that this was a place rich in veritable eye candy and by my fourth beer the drink had loosened me up enough to dance to the DJs records (JayZ, some strange europop, and weirder still some decidedly old skool early nineties house). So i danced with Trish and even though i didn't arrive home til 1am on a school night, the levels of enjoyment reached allowed some faith to be put back into this island and more importantly myself.

And although i was joking about it before, i have decide to make her birthday card. What fun! of course in the drive for materials today, i have already spent four times what a normal card would have cost me, but how exciting eh? Let us forget for a moment that i have never shown any aptitude for art or craft - this could still turn out to be a bit of fun!

And i checked and someone has voted on hot or not and blogspot and given me some good scores, and i would like to say thanks to whoever that was, and although a part of me thinks "there is noone who actually reads this" maybe there are one or two out there who return to this page every now and again. I wish, if that were true, people would use the commenting function a bit more, but i suppose anonymity is the key isn;t it. So i'll carry on for the short term at least, because let us not forget, it is her birthday on Friday and there are bound to be some blog worthy notes from that either way. I am sure the time spent on making a card will win her over.

Right , half an hour on this file and i'm off home. In early tomorrow. This week will be, pardon my French, bastard busy, but hell, i am trying to manage my time to the best of my ability.

Pasta and vegetables for me tonight, how appetising.

2003-02-02T10:33:00.000-08:00

In work, bored and pissed off.

I can't work, and i don't know what else to do, so i just went and hit 100 balls, and now my back is hurting.

Not even a 10 minute chat with her (she is in work) (and i missed her run) can bring me out of this gloom. I can't help thinking that life here is not a s good as London although it is certainly different. I don't feel close to anyone here really; i'm not close to my family really and i need that in my friends, had it in London. So i think i may buy a big bottle of coke and get drunk. How childish, how me. How pathetically dramatic.

Blah. Hate days like today, hate feeling this way. So lethargic, so devoid of ideas. Sometimes i know the world is my oyster and i make it that way; i'm confident enough to know that i light up a room when i walk into it. Times like today, i feel weary. Yes the thought of all this work (that i am currently not doing) is weighing me down, but its more than that. I think i should just admit to myself that i need sex on a more regular basis. Like in London. God i feel horny all the time here, usually at the most inappropriate moments and it's not too good for the mind. I am getting a headache. I will probably edit out this whole section later when i am in a more positive mood.

Right i'm going home. My inactivity today will mean i will have a very busy week next week, but well, i KNOW i'm not gonna do anything, even if in sit here for the next two hours. So i'm out.

2003-02-01T06:54:00.000-08:00

Got home at the remarkably early hour of 1am yesterday (or today actually) and am feeling surprisingly zippy. Have just purchased two lithium batteries for my SLR so i can get back to taking photos again. hooray.

Went out with Phil last night, and then Susana came out. And then she turned up with some of her tax friends and we drank and talked etc. And i thought, this girl is hilarious because she tells me she has her gym fitness appraisal tomorrow at 10am and here she is at 7pm on her fourth glass of shiraz (at least). And i smile, because it is little things like this that make her worth knowing. And i am coming to realise that i will never end up going out with her, and this is partly because, i reflect, she does not really want to go out with you, and partly, because you do not want to go out with her. How simple things can seem some times. and she is running a 5km er, run on sunday am, and she says will you come and cheer me on, and i reply that it is a little early on a sunday for me, and she says i know you will be there, and i smile, as i know that maybe a week ago that would have been true, but now, here and now, i do not think i will be there. How simple. And the truth is, and i really believe this, is that she really really LIKES me, yet not in a way that would ever make us boyfriend and girlfriend, and not also in the purely platonic way that is the other end of the scale, but somewhere in between. And as i sit here now, at 1030 am, i start thinking how nice that is. That she really thinks you are important. And of course it is. And the other side of the argument is that i could never, if i am honest, really see myself going out with her, because she is too free, too young, and in a way any prolonged union with me would in some respect shackle her, buried as she would be under the weight of my jealousy and possessiveness.
And i have a wry smile on my face now, because i know that she is definitley my "type" which is not to say the way she looks, but more the sort of person she is. And i am undeniably attracted to the sorts of girls who have fun, and are fearless, and i am now thinking i may have subconscious commitment issues here, as i have just admitted that the type of girl i am invariably drawn towards is not really the type of girl i feel i can have a successful adult relationship with.

So anyway back to the tale. she left shortly after seven (or was it eight) and Rob turned up with his girlfriend Mel, who i really get on with, and she tells me she knows what flatmate said to her and in fact embellishes the story, so i now think he is more of a little shit than i did before. And she tells me , just don't tell him anything, and i nod, and think how sad, that i am living with someone and yet i must keep my feelings and experiences ostensibly to myself. And i tell her that i think that Rob is probably the only person i trust on this island. And that may be true because i certainly don't trust flatmate and "a" anymore.

Then after a while a few guys from the funds floor turn up, because they have had after work drinks (which our floor has next Friday, her birthday (and i looked for a card today, but all the cards i saws were crap, i am going to need inspiration from somewhere. I wish i was more creative. then i would make a card, full of pink and shiny things)) so derek and ian and and a few others came out and we moved on about 930 as it was Karen's (who sits opposite me, and i get on with, because she is talkative and chatty yet not in an annoying way) birthday, so we went to where she was drinking. Trish and Louise were already there, and i am going round to Trish's tonight at 5, and then we are going to my favourite restaurant to celebrate chinese new year. When i say we, there are a few others going, but i do really get on with Trish and she is good looking and...... hmmm. Anyway, at about 11, most people decided to move onto the deep, but it is expensive and far away, and i did not really feel in the mood, dressed as i was, still in my work attire. And of course the New Year fun is still fresh in my mind, so i am unclear as to whether they will let me in, and i am able to use this as an excuse for not going. So i hook up with some guys in the year above me (as it were, ie have been here a year longer), and we move on for another drink, but my heart isn't really in it, and i am in bed (alone) by 1am.

And i am now thinking about Ben Jonson of all people, the Jacobean writer. (or was he Elizabethan, or both, who knows/cares) and i think what a wonderful play the alchemist is, one which definitely stands the test of time, as people are still being duped in the quest for riches or advancement. One only has to see the adverts, get rich quick, make your dick bigger etctect people still buy into that crap. And what is it that makes people fall for these tricks again and again. greed and laziness i suppose.

Right , Rob has just come into work and we are going to watch football, so i'll be off. Shopping this afternoon, then Trish's - should be good.

2003-01-30T16:05:00.000-08:00

Gah. The four dollars in quarters that i queued at the bank for ten minutes for, had, it occurred to me, remained in my drawer at work. Thus when i picked up my laundry basket and walked to the washer and dryer, a feeling of some despair hit me. But here i am, yes i have driven back into work to pick them up, and soon i'll drive home again, so clean clothes will be the order of the day. Marvellous.

I should point out that the washer and dryer are but ten yards from my front door, so normally it is not quite such an adventure to do this most mundane of chores. Speaking of..... i did the washing up tonight. Well done me. Only to stop my flatmate whining like a bitch about it every morning..... i don't feel bad, so SHUT UP.

Anyway, i have decided to buy an accoustic guitar. I passed a guitar shop the other day (when i was late for a meeting with some lawyers, natch) and i could not resist going in and trying a few out. There is a really nice Fender there (well, not really nice, but good enough for my ability (limited)) at $190, so i'll do the sums and see if i can stretch to that this coming month. Of course other things will have to make way, so she may well have to make do with the $28 fluffy and pink cocktail shaker i saw in town. I cannot, i have decided, afford to buy her an infiniti. I looked on the intertent. They are expensive. And i think it must be odd if you are always bought things by men, and i wonder how that will have affected her value system. Now i would not call her spoilt, and her heart is definitely in the right place (and she often tells me about all the various volunteer jobs she does with her spare time, like the hilariously titled "cat comforting" at the SPCA (and i wonder why i don't do that, as i love cats, and it's not as if i don't have spare time on my hands here is it etcetc)) And yet she is something of an enigma. As she tells me (and i know when it is going to be a good story, as she prefaces it with a "don't tell anyone this, but....") that her parents would not put her through college (which she started at 16, clever clogs) because they wanted her to appreciate the value of a dollar. And of course, being blessed and dangerous and exciting, she tells me that she stripped through college to pay her way. And she earnt $500-$1000 a shift. And this staggers me, but i grin. And i hope that a man buying her an infiniti has not undone all the good intentions of her parents, because making $500 in an evening, i am sure you will agree, will make one appreciate the value of a dollar.

And i haven't told anyone either. Apart from the watching world. But that doesn't count does it. I mean, who actually reads this thing anyway.

2003-01-29T09:47:00.000-08:00

After a nightmarish couple of days on the work front things are starting to calm down a bit. *looks over shoulder suspiciously*.

No shit, i have been getting in at 7 and leaving around 9. That is a fourteen hour day. Does the working time directive not mean anything round here? What's that? It doesn't? Oh well.

The only consolation is it is cold here, the coldest it has been in recent history. It hit a low of 53 i think and it feels much cooler when you are whizzing around the island on the old scooter. Therefore i'm not minding being tied to my desk too much.

I have been invited to a wedding, back in the UK, May 10th. Don't know if i can make it back i'll see. I did live with the guy for two years, but i don't think we were ever really that close. I miss my friends from home though. You get the kind of trust that can be built up over 7 or 8 years and its invaluable. I think i trust too easily, and especially so here. I wanted people and my relationships with people to be like back home and therefore i just gave them my trust. And look where it got me. My flatmate apologised (of sorts) said he couldn't even remember seeing her. I've done stupid things when drunk before, so i feel i have to forgive him, but i'm still a little angry, truth be known.

Still, learning lessons all the time. And she is still talking to me (or emailing, although we did catch a glance (and what a priceless moment it was, saying everything and nothing) when she came down to bring back some files to my floor. I saw her just as the lift door was closing and there was just enough time to exchange a smile.)

I thought i bumped into the someone else from the weekend today (as i surely will, this being, let it be said, a very small island), however i'm 99% certain it wasn't. Hope so otherwise she will think i am ignoring her. Which i am not. But then i get to thinking, you are not very good, sir, at remembering things. Sometimes i run up the stairs and by the time i've got there i have forgotten quite why i needed to be at the top in the first place. And faces. And i am already thinking how happy i was on Christmas eve, so comfortable, so intimate. And yet it is slowly becoming hazy like a distant dream. And i want to remember her naked body as i gazed at her, softly and quietly in the beginnings of a hungover daze (and i recall now how sweet she was, rushing out and getting me a glass of water, offering me tylenol etc) but already the images are blurry, hazy, soft porn focus. And you want to fiddle with your mind, like a camera lens, bring it back into focus. But you can't. I can remember only fragments of the faces of, say, my first girlfriend, or the first girl i slept with. Yet other complete irrelevances are stuck forever, crystal clear.

So i have been emailing her and i remarked that it will be her birthday soon. And she told me quite without a hint of irony (well maybe just a hint) that there is a jewelery sale on some shop in the high street. And how diamonds are a girls best friend. And the phrase "high maintenance" springs to mind, an appropriate phrase for this girl, who , let it be said, had an infiniti bought for her by an ex (although she told me, with a hint of something - i can't read American girls quite as well as English - may have been pride, that she did offer to pay the insurance. And then, this brazen, fearless, nay, exciting girl goes on to tell me how they they went on to screw in the car, in the way she loves to tell me the things she has done (of a sexual nature) because as i have said, i think a part of her gets off on it. And i do not mind it either, so i do not complain. Although i would quite like another nights abandonment to sharpen up those images.

She has told me that in the US there is a three date rule. If a girl agrees to go on a date with a guy three times, the guy can expect to sleep with the girl. this seems odd to me. Although she says that the concept of "going dutch" on a date is odd to her. But then maybe she's just that type of high maintenance girl.....

2003-01-27T17:09:00.000-08:00

I am in work. it is 906pm.

I went home at 6pm for some food, and returned here at 7.

i am finding it increasingly difficult to work during normal work hours.

Hence i shall be coming into the office at around 7am tomorrow to finish off this file and get it in by 9 (ish). I have to be somewhere at 10, so thats as good a reason to knuckle down tomorrow morning as any. Honestly, i feel like my life is getting just a bit too complicated at the moment to bother with all this work stuff. Urgh.

2003-01-27T10:06:00.000-08:00

Friday night was one of those epic drinking nights i think. started at 5, finished at 3, didn't get home til 930 the next morning. Hmmm this place has a lot to answer for.

So i was out with "a", Rob, Derek and flatmate and i had remarked to her earlier that it was a shame that PL could not make it out, as that would have completed the set of my friends who had made a pass at her, and she found this quite amusing, as intended.

So drinking happened, then at about midnight, whilst Derek had pulled some strange odd girl, who looked oddly primal and was very very drunk, i headed to another bar. Saw her and proceeded to chat although about what i am not sure. Then quite by chance i bumped into a guy who my housemate plays tennis with. We drank up and went onto another bar that was open until 3am, and again, she was there with her girly tax friends, and i fancied myself to be on, if not the toppermost form, then, at the very least, very good form. Very good form indeed. And i can vaguley recall us talking about whether she would get a boyfriend soon. And i got that strange and lovley feeling in the pit of my stomach which is the feeling of "you could be on here son" and therefore, it is with some degree of surprise that i woke up at 830 am (having had one and a half hours sleep, natch) with someone else.

This someone else had a friend who had tapped me on the shoulder and told me that his friend was (ahem) interested in me. And the drunken thought of no-effort, no-strings coitus was, in am afraid to say, too hard to resist.

And it is not as if we (and by this i mean I and her) are an item. Not exclusive. Not dating. Not boyfirend and girlfriend.

And it is with some regret that i have to add, that this new someone (who knows people i know, but then who doesn't on this, let it be said, very small island) was quite disappointing in bed. Not too adventurous (though pleasant, and obviously very interested in me, which is of course, nice, and not something i can guarantee about her which irks me somewhat) Such that, for example, upon slapping this someone elses ass, she did, in fact, not squeal in delight (as she had done, less than a month ago) but in fact had the audacity to stop whatever it was that we were up to, and tell me off. Odd.

Still, pleasant girl, good breakfast. May see her again (likely here i suppose) and we left on good terms which is/was refreshing.

The rest of the weekend is a right off - but i have just found out some shocking news. My flatmate got drunk on SAturday, saw her in a bar and told her (very drunkenly) that he knew all about us, and that i had told him so etcetc.

And she has told me this. Don't worry - we are still cool. But i do not know now where it leaves me and my flatmate. I value Trust. And honesty. Thats gone now.

2003-01-24T09:14:00.000-08:00

My God what a last 24 hours.

That i have managed, i believe to grab victory from the jaws of defeat is, it must be said, somewhat of a miracle.

It all started with some emails my flatmate sent me yesterday pm.

He revealed some information and whether by coincidence or bit simply being the truth, i thought: There is only one way he can know this. "a" must be in cahoots with her. And if this is so, she will know i have lied to her, and even though it is, in the grand scheme of things, a small lie, a tiny lie, a lie that was, in many ways, let us not forget, forced upon me, a lie is a lie. This place is indiscreet at the best of times. A known lie could break the fragile bond of trust irreperably and mess up what is, let it be said, ney, shouted, the beginnings of quite a good thing going here.

So i huffed and puffed my way through the afternoon, and could not possibly concentrate on the mountains of work which are now looming large in front of me (and now, as i type). Raced home at 5 on the dot. Worse, i was now imagining that not only were "a" and her in some kind of union, or at least, correspondence, i now imagined "a" and my flatmate to be teaming up against me.

Aargh. I was turning into a paranoid wreck. And i hadn't done ANY naughties of the chemical variety for over 6 months now (which is what normally brings this state on). And of all the places to be turning into a paranoid wreck, this is not a good one. I felt alone and vulnerable - prone to the whims of others.

And so i got home and drank. Lots. Black rum and coke. Lots of it. And i watched the stones live from NYC on HBO, and this cheered me somewhat, because they are a bunch of cards aren't they, and really, its a miracle Keef is still going. What a trooper.

And i go to bed and i worry that she now knows that i have told my flatmate and "a" that which i had explicitly told her i hadn't. And i think: you like this girl, a lot, and you have screwed it right up. And i think underneath all the drama and the guilt - you are learning a lesson here sir - take something from this.

And i wake up at 5am, not because of the stress of a life on the collapse, but because it is bloody windy outside, gale force in fact. And i cannot get back to sleep. And i think.
I think of approaching my flatmate and challenging him. Is he in league against me? What had "a" told him? Yet when it came to it i strangely declined to mention anything. Just as well. By some miracle, when i got to work i had a strange sense of positivity, a kind of backs to the wall mentality, and sent him this email:

"I decided at 5am this morning that, all in all, i need to chill out a bit.

So that's good isn't it. I think otherwise i was in slight danger of becoming a paranoid wreck"

To which he replied good, and that he had noticed that i had been a bit stressed out recently. and all of a sudden a weight lifted from my shoulders, such that i am now going out drinking with "a" tonight. And i email her who an hour earlier i imagined to be seriously pissed at me. And there is a ten minute pause. And the doubts start, but there it is, a reply!

Jovial, hopeful, no hint of reprimand. My mind had been playing tricks on me again.

My flatmate has just sent me a new email. it says "you think too much". Now where have i heard that before?

2003-01-23T09:03:00.000-08:00

Life has been hectic.

So we were supposed to go Tuesday, but then she emailed saying she was still tired from the weekend and could we go Wednesday, sure i said and as i was replying my flatmate came over and, in the purely juvenile way that it seems is becoming something of a stock character development for him, he asked me if i was going out with her. Yes i said, although it is none of your business (which of course it is, none of, that is) So he starts to wind me up, which is very school playground i admit, and sadly i admit to being somehow anooyed and affected by being wound up. And he says i am going to email her and ask her where you are going. And i think haha, that is a funny thing to say, although we both know you won't because what will that achieve, except upsetting me. And then i see an email to both me and her and my body fills with horror, and to show this i run around to his cube and tell him in no uncertain terms and quite loudly to stay out of my business. And it is all quite dramatic and unnecessary and fairly pathetic, and i wonder why i care so much. You are overreacting he says.
Yes, maybe, but the concern is that she will think i am telling him things, and thefore the bond of trust which i have been cultivating for some time now could be lost in one flippant remark. And she emails me and asks me if i have said anything to him. And by that she means does he know we have slept together. And i lie and say no, he doesn't know anything. And i am angry at my flatmate because i have had to lie, in a situation where there was no need for me to do anything. There was no need, i reflect, for him to do that. It did not cause him any great joy. It was done, i reflect, out of spite, and for the pure reason of upsetting me. And it did upset me. So much so that i think about the Great Gatsby.

And as i am working late i search the internet for a quote and , the wonders of the modern age, there it is, and i print it out and pin it in my cube.

And it says

"they were careless people, Tom and Daisy - they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made..."

And the next day he sees it and asks what it is all about. Yet he knows it was inspired by his stupidity, and i know that as well, so i say, it is a quote from my favourite book, and nothing further is said.
The previous night we made up of course. He apologised of sorts, said he couldn'tr see why i was getting so worked up. I also apologized although for what i am not sure, yet it is a common trait of mine; i will regularly apologize to the careless people who bump into me or tread on my feet.

So wednesday night comes, and i go home first and my flatmate is there, and there is gentle ribbing, but nothing like it would usually be, as the bruises from tuesday afternoon are still fresh.

And i wear a lovley pair of quite baggy and semi flared dark denim RL jeans, and the same short sleeved shirt i wore to work. And it is an outift that says at once, i am comfortable with myself, yet also passes off as "not making too much of an effort". Which is the desired effect i believe. SO over five pints and a rum and coke (she drinks cabernet the whole evening) we talk and laugh. And it is better than i could imagine. And we talk about sex, and drugs. But not rock and roll. And people who we both know, and i learn some shocking things about some of them - seems nearly all my male friends here have made a pass at her (unsuccessfully except one, which i knew already, although she says they did not have sex, and i think good, because whether we admit it or not, it is always nice to be one up on somebody). And i think, this, let it be said, extremely small island is filled with secrets and intrigue and things, outwardly, are not what they seem. knowlegdge is power, but it is a power that must remain unspoken, unused; the minute it is spoken, shared, the power is gone. And i think what a strange place this is, would make a good setting for a novel. Also, it is quite unsettling when you find out things about people you know well (or thought you did). Everyone has something to hide (including me i suppose). And we talk about Christmas Eve, and it is good that we talk, as it shows that neither of us regret it and that we are both comfortable with it, with each other. And so at ten we both agree to leave, even though if she had wanted another drink i would have stayed. As we leave she says, "probably best, another two drinks and we would probably ended up in bed again" and i think, that is true, and there is plenty of time for that. The way she said it was very matter of fact, this crazy girl, who i really rather like, for all the spirit she has in her. i think that the way she said it is almost an admission, if one were needed that we probably WILL end up sleeping together again at some point. So i kiss her on the cheek, and it is raining now, and i am on the cusp of being too drunk to drive home, but i risk it anyway, even though it is now raining quite hard.

And today she emails and says what a fun time she had. We should do it again soon i add, and she concurs (while warning me not to tell anyone we spoke about what she said). There is no danger of that. Knowledge is power, her secrets are safe with me.

2003-01-20T13:50:00.000-08:00

Aha, i had sneakily asked outlook to let me know when she had read said email. Which she did at 8.43 this morning. There followed a rather pathetic thirty minutes in my life which involved me sitting at my desk thinking "why isn't she replying". (and that is me all over, an agile mind hampered by the twin shackles of longing and disgust) And then she did, and we are going out Tuesday 8pm, and she wants to tell me all about her Ker-azy saturday night, which i can almost guess what it will entail, but i am not unduly bothered except i think, perhaps i should be appearing more regularly in these ker-azy stories (and indeed, perhaps i am for other people).

So I'll be back after that event, works out quite nicely as i was planning on working late Tuesday. Not doing so tonight. Food shopping then home. Will buy plenty of soup, as poor (relatively) this month (and next unbelievably, got bored today and worked out finances - frightening. Still once may comes it'll be a lot better i think)

2003-01-19T11:11:00.000-08:00

Well, i looked for the football field but couldn't find it. Never mind, at least i tried.

Have just sent her an email asking her what she is up to next week, and if we could get together.

It is, in fact, a rather open and honest email, as it expresses the desire on my part, very strongly in fact, and indeed undeniably, to spend some time with her.

Hence i am now a little bit scared in case she thinks i am being too pushy and maybe she has other things to do, or just doesn't want to spend time with me etcetcetc.

Oh well, i should stop worrying i suppose, as i'll find out soon enough, one way or another.........

Right, homeways is bestways methinks........

2003-01-19T08:39:00.000-08:00

Slept tres poorly last night, was going to hit the range this morning, but it was caning it down when i wanted to go. So as i had gotten up ridiculously early for a sunday (815am) i decided to watch a dvd. The choice was between raging bull, scarface and seven (all films i had seen before but not recently). Seven is immediately disqualified as it is an example of the worst kind of pornography. It offends me in the way that American Psycho does as a book. I don't have much of a problem with sexual pornography, but i do when it comes to things like this. i don't know why. Do i think BEE is a good writer. No - i think he is a sick fuck. I wrote enough at College about the authorial voice and intention etc to argue my way out of a paper bag on this subject, but in the end one just ends up going round in circles, so whatever. Seven is a very depressing film though. And BEE is an awful writer.

So i watched Raging Bull instead and i think, hell de niro and pesci are great actors but don't they get bored of playing the same characters (cf goodfellas, casino etc). And i switch off at the end thinking yes, it's true - I could have been a contender, i could have been somebody and of course at 26, i still can and therefore i felt all hopeful and got into the shower full of beans.

So i have work to do, but its 1230 now and i have to watch my flatmate play football at 230, so whatever i start isn't going to get finished (and i'm thinking, god, my attitude is really very poor, and i also think thank god for that, imagine if you actually got excited and actually cared about this dull asinine job).

Am planning to meet up with her later in the week. Am feeling strangely confident with regard to the whole matter. Have an attitude of no matter what i do write or say to her, what is the worst that can happen. And the answer is, nothing very bad at all.....

2003-01-18T08:21:00.000-08:00

Quite a good day Friday.

Worked quite hard and other good(ish) things happened.

Got in at 7am and then went out to client at 10ish. Apropos of nothing i decided to come back to the office for lunch. No sooner had i settled down than she sent me an email. What was i doing for lunch? Preuming this to be an invitation rather than a quest for knowledge, i fired one back, saying nothing, what was she doing?

"do you want to go with me for a walk? i need to go to the post office and pick up some stuff I ordered online. then I was thinking about getting an espresso on the way back, what do you think?"

Hmm what do i think. Good question. I'm not sure she is really ready for the answer to that. Or to be honest that I am even sure what i think at this present time.

So we walked and talked and laughed and joked and moreover we were seen (twice) by Derek and Art, and i thought, people will start talking, and i thought, will that bother me, will i be acting any different. And we joked and laughed, and as we talked i thought this is the behaviour of two people who appear to be, let it be said, entirely comfortable in each other's company. And i thought how nice that is, and i began to start BEING ME and not being afraid of that, which pleased me somewhat.

Even though she is VERY American and i am, let us not forget VERY English and hence there will be some element of a cultural gap, it seemed dare i say it, that we were making some sort of connection. It is amazing how happy the littlest details can make me, so i skipped through the afternoon, thinking, could i? could i? Could i go to Toronto with this girl? I have little or no chance of getting the day off, and she said call in sick, and i laughed partly at her fearlessness and partly as that is just such a HER thing to do and partly as i thought i wouldn't pull that sort of shit in London, let alone on a, let us not forget, extremely small island.

So i came back to the office at about 430 and of course there was a lot of email stick waiting for me (from Derek and my flatmate, when the hell did derek get so bold?) and i thought, it is Friday, i need a drink, and i sadly reflected that i do not have what i would call a regular drinking partner here, so i went out with phil, who i almost certainly (nice chap though he is) would not go out with in the UK. And Patrick came out too, and in fact there were quite a few people in the pub, and i reflect that Patrick, though American, also has the potential to become a good drinking friend. So one or two turns into six or seven and we move downtown and, although it was no surprise to me, she was out, as she told me she would be at lunchtime, showing a new member of her department the nightlife (on a bloody expense account as well)

And of course by now i was quite the worse for drink, although in a fairly good way, and we were flirting quite openly and i even grabbed a protracted kiss from her as chance, which seems to be playing an important part in my life right now, dictated that she was heading for the bathroom just as i was leaving the bathroom (or toilet as i would say). So we kissed, and nobody saw us, and i thought, this is odd, as it feels like i am having an affair, which i am most certainly not since neither she or i are attached as such. But that is the way we want to play it (and i am not sure what "it" is yet really), and it suits both of us i suppose so i shouldn't complain. And then it occurred to me that it was nearly half past midnight, and i realised i was, in fact, quite tired and definitely drunk, to the stage where i did not really fancy another drink, which is a very strange place for me to be. And then i did an odd thing. I said " i am going home " and as i said this, i thought, sadly, you could, sir, stay out here, and if you do there is a chance you may sleep with this girl, and that in itself would be a nice thing, no? But it seemed like to much effort really, and besides i was determined to 'take control' of the situation, which of course the only way that this could man ifest itself was to take myself home. And i thought, do not force the issue. If it is meant to happen it will. And before i left she dragged me aside and kissed me on the cheek and, it must be said, rather brazenly, given the tame nature of our flirting thus far, asked me if i was going to go home and "jack myself off" thinking about her. And i laughed out loud. At the brazenness of this question, at the fearlessness. And i said no, and laughed, and said maybe in the morning as that is when i was more likely to feel like it..... and she smiled and i left.

So i don't know what to think, and maybe that is a good thing. And i'm trying to remember if i was supposed to call her today, but the drink has caused my memory to be not as able as it should be for a man of 26, and i suppose i won't call.

In work, hungover. This carbonated drink will either save me or sink me.

2003-01-16T14:43:00.000-08:00

Still in work.

File must be in by 10am tomorrow, estimate another 2.5 hrs needed, so foolishly i think i will leave here at 7 and try and get back in tomorrow am for 730. I always seem a lot more productive in the mornings anyway.....

Can't wait til Friday, as i am planning on a few drinks (or more) to unwind, and then probably work for about 5/6 hrs over the weekend. Nothing else planned, but its paid, so i won't be complaining.

Had a funny turn of events today. In the bathroom at lunchtime i ntoiced that the small hole in the ass of my trousers, had graduated to a very large fully fledged fuck-off hole. How embarassing i thought. So i told her about it straight away in what must have been, if not my flippant mood, was certainly one of my more confident, verbose moods. Acorns and oak trees were mentioned.

The offer then filtered down the wires to borrow (or take really) some safety pins to keep my modesty intact.

So i scrambled upstairs, with no fear as i am wearing a lovely three button single breasted jacket today, with a rather fetching powder blue shirt (slightly chequed) and matching tie.

The conversation flowed easily, me hanging off her cube like some 1920s dandy, and rolling out the throwaway humour etcetc. It may have looked like i was flirting. That was not the intent, it just comes naturally.

She brought up that it was her birthday and that i had promised to buy her a present etc (to which i said, had i?, i don't remember that, (though smiling as i remembered where i HAD said it to her).

And then some very pleasant email banter followed in which we talked about Canadians and she pretended to be mock offended when i reminded her how close her home town was to the border. And yet, all through this was the nagging thought - this thought - that i will be setting myself up for a lot of stick from the chaps if it is widely known that i have spent good money on her. And yet why should i care about that? If you ask that, you just haven't been reading (between the lines) hard enough......

2003-01-16T09:50:00.000-08:00

Hmm, this is the hardest i have worked since i got here back in September. There is now no doubt in my mind that i will be working late tonight and some of the weekend.

Anyway, back to matters other than work. Spent a while thinking to myself about all manner of things last night. Not specifically her although that was obviously touched upon.

SO i suppose people could (and i suppose some do, or certainly some think it) call her names. Loose, easy, nasty, slag, slut. The list goes on. And while a part of me is almost indoctrined (indoctrinated? who knows/cares) into thinking this way (and i have thought before "she is hardly wife/gf material" and "not one to take home to the mater/pater") (although that would involve two trips these days. And in one respect quite a bit of research.) I digress, where was i. Yes, so while a part of me thinks that, another part of me thinks, God, how difficult it is for women to actually have fun and not get some sort of reputation for themselves. There is obviously a large dollop of double standards on display - if a guy fucks around, he is a stud - good for him we will say, sowing his oats haha, bawdy joke etc - harmless. If a girl does same, she is a slag, a slut whatever you want to use. And yet the majority who hold this (if i may be so bold) oldfashioned view, are the girls themselves (the nice girls naturally.)

And so she yesterday told me a funny story about getting (ahem) frisky with a guy in some bushes. And my first reaction was that which was forced into me at an early age as discussed above. It was a funny story though. But then i thought, what will people think if you end up actually (going out/screwing on a more regular basis) with this girl. You, sir, who have always upheld that you do whatever you please, and you don't care what other people think (as long as, as you always say, nobody gets hurt). And yet i think, perhaps, just maybe you DO care VERY MUCH what people think, and that your very publicly stating (on several occassions) to the contrary is, in effect the equivalent of the very smiley, happy fools who love to convince others they are having a good time, and you only get one shot at life you know, and they are without exception the lonliest, emptiest souls on the planet.

2003-01-15T14:16:00.000-08:00

6.13. I have a headache and a blockage in my ear. Hence i shall shortly be going homeways.
Not that there isn't a lot to do. There is, of course. I know i will have to work my behind off tomorrow.

Thoughts re earlier. Hmm, still in agreement strangely (i wanted to write agreeance there, is that a word, do we even care?). The thing is, she does excite me, and you can call her all the names under the sun, and i will discuss tomorrow why i think most of those are undeserved, but you can't ever get away from that fact.....

2003-01-15T09:36:00.000-08:00

lunchtime again. when i look around my desk i want to cry; there is so much stuff to do this week, and so little enthusiasm. Saying that i worked pretty solid from 830 through to 1145, then i was just waiting for lunch.

So i'll be working late this week, and some of the weekend i shouldn't wonder. But hey, its overtime. So let's spend spend spend. Oh dear, i already did that didn't i (although i hadn't budgeted with the out of pocket expense from the NYE fiasco)

I have little money this month then which means staying in (which i don't mind as for the first time since i got to this island, the weather is getting me down. Cold in the mornijngs and evenings and frequently pissing it down too) The last three nights i have watched DVDs.
Monday - we were soldiers
Tuesday Black hawk down
Wednesday Training day

Got better as the week wore on i think. Quite what a sensitive soul such as me is doing watching these testosterone mad films, is worth considering.

For about as long as it takes to realise that my flatmate has got DVDs and i have none. Hence no Jean de florette, la gloire de mon pere, or the three colours trilogy. Boo, i am like, so uncultured at the moment. And i am running out of books too.

Here we go. Bang on cue. I have just received an email from her. it was of course, in response to an earlier email i had sent, and i must have been in one of my "flippant" moods, as i sent it quite without thinking, and without the necessary rereading ten times to ensure that nothing could be misconstrued (and i have in the past binned some rather large and time consuming emails on the tenth read. Still, think before you click eh?)

I complained of being bored and having far too much work to do, to wit, she replied:"Weird that you could be bored but be swamped with work. "

Not that bloody weird if the work is dull as shit, is it????? Which is what i have just told her, except in a nicer way.

And the rest of the email, which i may or may not divulge, has given me what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. What are you doing i am thinking to myself. This girl is not right for you.

Right hold that thought. We shall see if it sticks when i get back from wherever i'm meant to be this afternoon.

2003-01-14T09:58:00.000-08:00

So yeah, think of this Blog like a story, look a book, a fractured non linear narrative.

I like non-linear narratives. Frankenstein, Wuthering heights etc

So rather than knowing all about me now, it'll all come out later. Bit by bit. In the wash as it were.

Or if there's something you can't wait for, you can always ask.........

2003-01-14T09:25:00.000-08:00

The thought came to me today. And that thought was: why am i writing this stuff?

Good huh?

That may be the perenniel question. Why do people write diaries? Do they secretly desire someone to read them without them knowing? Oftens the time that there is something you want someone to know, but you don't actually want to do the telling yourself, if you get my meaning.

So why am i writing? Not for myself, or i would keep a journal surely. And yet, i suppose it is for myself. All the silly thoughts that i would not admit to having, and would not admit to thinking.......

I suppose i could give a whole spiel about my family, upbringing, but that would bore me to tears frankly, so in that respect i am writing for me, as i'll only write things that are interesting or valid to me at this particular moment in time (and by "this" i mean now, hence something i wrote two days ago, may very well be boring me silly also.

Sorry if that's boring peoples. I do not (repeat, do not) want this little page to turn into a popularity contest (because that is what real life is for haha, well certainly more so anyway ;) )

And so, this week i have been writing in the style of Tim Parks. Fantastic stuff. -*adopts "whose line is it anyway" smugness*-

No thoughts or otherwise on young Elizabeth today. Sitting, as she is probably ten feet away from me (although vertically you see, a floor up). A good thing, although i did concede (as i noticed that i had a spot just below my lower lip, first for about a year) that i was in fact, missing, yes missing my ex girlfriend, who i sometimes think only became my girlfriend because it was, as they say, a short term contract, that is to say she knew i would be leaving the country eight weeks later. And so we both agreed that we should leave our emotions at the door. And it occurs to me now, sitting here, having just enjoyed another fantastic takeaway lunch, that it is very difficult to leave one's emotions anywhere, for by their very nature, the thought to leave them at the door was a rational decision, whereas emotion, such as it is, is anything but. And hence i must have dragged some emotion with me, for she was much cleverer than the girls i normally go out with (although with a strange propensity to be incredibly childish at other times), and it is this thought that i am thinking as i look in my desk at the picture she gave me (of her) two days before i left the UK.

The same picture that adorned my desk for the first three weeks, before i decided it was time to "move on" and hence consigned it to the drawer. And moreover i am feeling, as i shut the drawer once more and my thoughts by virtue of writing this piece revert to her, how relieved i am today, as someone in our office is ill with chickenpox, and on the strange appearance on my (through genetic good fortune no doubt) clear complexion of a spot , i immediately fancied myself to be infected. How the mind can fool the body sometimes, as i itched and scratched my imaginary spots all afternoon.
And i am thinking back to the time i lay in bed with her, and she asked "where are my presents" which whilst normally would be an extremely unfair thing to ask at 8am, that morning being Christmas day was acceptable. And it is this thought that is making me think, is it the mind or the body which controls us.......? I don't know.

2003-01-13T13:35:00.000-08:00

Ooo look, i sorted out a commenting thingy. Hopefully it works.....

2003-01-13T09:47:00.000-08:00

I am back. I think there is something wrong with bloghop, as my little rating icons have disappeared and i can't get onto their website. Oh well. Also i tried to add some comments boxes, but i was running out of time yesterday, and must have done something wrong because i am a computer thicko.

Anyway, just had some email banter from Liz and Amy, about the possibility of going to Toronto (together) which could be cool as we will end up doing all sorts of naughties (not sexual, although the thought of a threesome is now in my head) and it really is just whether i can get Friday afternoon off work, because it is going to be hard, as i officially have a holiday "blackout" until end april. Boo. Wonder how flexible they will be. Not very probably.

2003-01-13T09:27:00.000-08:00

I'm in work surprisingly enough. Just had a nice chinese take out , pork vegetables and rice, very nice too.

So 8.47 am i get a reply from Elizabeth and it is.......

....ok, seems i WAS ok on Friday after all, wonders will never cease. A little bit from the email.....

"Yeah, I think that Friday was one of the few nights at the beach where I wasn't completely gone! I remember everything. I think it may have to do with stopping by Ozone to go dancing and drinking water. You didn't seem that wasted at all, quite normal actually. A far cry from NYE ;) I like giving you a hard time, just cause I know you think too much!"

Haha, there we go, that stuff about thinking too much - and i think, yes, this tells you a lot, that she is still thinking that you think too much and indeed why should she, unless you were there present in her thoughts for some reason or other. And now i am reflecting that in fact, it was rather a GOOD email to receive because the tone is fun, playful even. And the reference about NYE, of course not saying what a little shit i was, but referring to it in this fun, nay, playful email, is a sure sign that i have (if forgiveness was ever needed) been forgiven.

The other bit i like is "You didn't seem that wasted at all, quite normal actually". Marvellous, i am lauhing here. Quite normal? That is a double edged sword surely!! Still, the reason why i am laughing here, is how great it is, to be ONLY "QUITE" normal, bause if anything, normal is, let it be said, bloody boring, and to be "quite" normal is to say " yes, you behaved, but you differentiated your behaviour in such a way that you were behaved, b ut at the same time NOT AT ALL bloody boring. And it must be said that i was NOT on my toppermost form that night, (night like Christmas eve, when i was by my own standards, imperial)

And "actually", did you pick up anything there? A slight tone of surprise i fancy! haha, of course we are now thinking, good god, she is right, he does think too much, but no, i protest, this is just me playing around, i did a literature degree, words fascinate me etc......

Enough, i'll be back later......

2003-01-12T09:36:00.000-08:00

Christ - it appears someone has actually found this little site by hook or by crook and the reason i know this is......

Someone has voted on my blog on blogspot and on hot or not.

So now i feel an obligation to come on here and update my life and wonderings.

Someone has said they hate this, which is marvellous, as at least i have engendered some reaction from someone. Other responses have been good. I must add that the overall look on this site is rather subsidiary to the content, as i am not fully savant with computers and therefore can spend little time trying to make it look pretty.

One of the votes on hot or not was a 6, which i perceive as the classic "could do better" on the old school report. So i will try.

Oooh, how exciting.

Golf now an hour away, amazingly it has started to rain. Hmmm could not have predicted that. Have just sent an email to Liz, although i doubt she is in work on a sunday. It was pithy, self-deprecating and dry, and the reason for this is i am hoping i did not say anything untoward to her on Friday, as i am sure i didn't although there are gaps in my rememberance of the evening and therefore i cannot really be sure. Not like i was almost sure i had done/said something bad on NYE. So, yeah, i need to snap out of this self destructive pattern, although it is difficult to know HOW to react around her now, as everything i say/do suddenly seems informed which is what i feared would happen, and now rather than just enjoying the moment etc i am in fact already analysing things before they happen. "you think too much" she said (in bed) and i said "you are not the first person to say this" and although she probably thinks thinking too much is a bad thing, i happen to think it is ok, as long as one does not get too bogged down in it all. Or am i, i am now thinking, really only liking to be perceived as a thinker, because it in some way signals me to be something of a deep, complex character, which of course will intrigue women, for they will not be able to easily read me, and i of course will be all lovely most of the time, but then there will be times (like NYE) when i will lose it a bit (due no doubt to thinking a bit too much) and they will get hurt, and i will feel bad. But they know this already, of course, as i think too much, and this is a sign, a sign i will be complex and occassionally do things they don't like, because i am unpredictable, and this will, of course lead to instability in a relationship (which is a downside, the inevitable upside of which is that, heaven forbid, it can also be EXCITING).

Anyway, so i sent her a mail, which she will read on Monday, and hopefully smile at it.

Right, time to tidy the desk before i head off. I really have done no work today, how disappointing.

2003-01-12T08:03:00.000-08:00

In work again, but not working. Have to get a file in and i've got a bout two hours to do it.

Ah, should be ok. Felt terrible yesterday, very bad hangover, but went to bed at ten and had a really good nights sleep. I love getting an early night sometimes, showering just before bed and slipping beneath the covers naked, clean and content.

Everyone here is working it seems; that makes me feel somewhat guilty for not really giving a shit, but hey-ho.......

I am in one of those "do anything to avoid working" modes, hence i have just spent half an hour clearing a load of crap out of my hotmail account. I started reading a book by Anthony Beevor last night - its all about the spanish civil war, quite interesting surprisingly.

Right i really do have to go and do some work now......

2003-01-11T09:33:00.000-08:00

Right had enough. 1.31 pm, i am going to the shops then home. Work can wait.

If you read this stuff please let me know. I'd just be interested that's all.

Er, my email is thb5@hotmail.com.

OUT.

2003-01-11T08:20:00.000-08:00

Well here we go again. I am feeling in a strange state of mind. Its all about Liz, and of course, why wouldn't it be.
Christ, Derek guessed that i had had something going on with her. Strange - he did fill in a few blanks about christmas eve, odd that he saw it coming and wasn't that surprised. I am falling i realise. or have i fallen. I have lent her the rum diary, even though both she and i appear to be in it. Or is that just me, and wishful thinking. We went out on tuesday, it was strange but nice. We drank a few beers and talked. Good god that girl has stories. I like it. I lke her.

She was out last night, all it made me do was pretend i was having a good time, which meant flirting outrageously with this new girl (girl? woman?) called Melissa (odd no?) and Trish. Deary me, trish is such a great girl, and a good cook too (she cannot cook at all i believe from our "pillow talk") So there i was, behving quite badly and pam was there and flirting with me, even though i have no desire to sleep with her whatsoever. And all the time i am thinking, i am getting drunk here, BUT, i need to get drunk tonight and stay in control and just to prove i can do it, and then that is why my feet felt so leaden and i could not dance, which had me aching for a line of coke to get my feet moving to prove to her that i am in actual fact having, let it be said, a very good time , and that for me to have, as i have said, a very good time, does not necessarily need to involve her. And yet here i am at 3am in the beach, drunk and talking to her, marvelling at her, realising that there is something there, not imagined at 7am on christmas day, for we were both sober then were'nt we (though hungover of course) and after all, i was behaving and this in fact made it all the more infuriating that this DICK of a rugby player, who had taken alli to the christmas work do, was now walking her home, in front of me, and she gives me this look. And it is a look that may very well say, " good night, i will see you later" but to me it is a look that says " i am going home, and furthermore i am going home without you, and i am going home in order to FUCk some compolete loser" and it needs to be said someone who has called her in the past "unbelievbly stupid" which is nice. So i cab it home alone, and the job is half done, because i was roaring drunk (as testified by my fast becoming awful hangover) and that i dind'nt lose it, not like how i lost it on NYE. And so i am thankful for small mercies. And yet all i wanted to do ajnd say was to hold her and say " this is it for me, all i want to do is hold you and kiss you and fuck you and then, fall asleep beside you with your warm body close to mine - but i cannot. I wonder if she is reading the rum dairy now, or just waking up in somebody elses arms. I should call her, we should do stuff, but as derek proved you don't do stuff on this island without other people knowing and because we left together then we must have slept together, and of course, derek is right, because we did sleep together, so that proves what a futile thing it is to keep secrets, no?

So derek tells me he has slept with his ex, kind of in return for me confirming that i had slept with Liz, which he then admitted he already knew, well kind of presumed, and how odd that is, as i would have presumed the opposite, but then how easy it is to say this when one is in full possession of all the facts.

So i am in work now, and i should call, we should hang out, but i won't. and i know that i will ask her "did you sleep with him" i do not know when i will ask or where, but laready i am aware that this will be a source of friction, and she will think, why does he want to know, and another part of her will revel in the tale, because i really think it gets her off, just how slutty she can be, and i lap it up, just like i lap up anything she gives me now, because the control has passed and that it seems is irrevocable.
So yeah, i'm in work, but i'm not gonna do any work, as my hangover is setting in. I need some apple juice i think, and a walk. A walk to clear my head, think things over. Wish she was walking with me. So i may get in trouble but then i'll come in tomorrow and do the goddamn work, and then play golf.

Where will this end. It's running, will i be brave? I think, yes i would love, LOVE to tell her how i feel and then make a scene of sorts because it is exactly the thing that she denies to herself (and i know she says "i do not read the news much, life is happier that way" which is odd, is it living? and i decide it is living because she is out there, being beautiful and fucking and having fun, and after all isn't that waht life is all about) and something should make her sit up and think this IS LIFE AND IT IS DIFFICULT. But she has split up with all her ex boyfriends she tells me (one who bought her an infiniti) and the moment she tells me i think, Good, i cannot wait until your heart is broken because i believe things come a little to easily to you, and it is precisely this thoughthat i ask her when was the last time things didn't work out for her, and she tells me about stephen who i knew she liked but he didn't like her, in fact told me that samantha was HOT which she is of course, and she made up a story about him just coming out of a relatuionship, and why should that matter, and of course i just sit and nod, knowing the story to be a face saver.

And i think, you could teach this girl who will be 24 in a month, a thing or two, and such is my level of sadness i have already been on the VS website as it is obvious i will buy her underwaear for her bday although i only know her panty size (medium) and do not know about her top, which is undoubtedly large, but how large? Damn i should have looked. Intimacy and distance. I think sums it up nicely. This is now the distance, and i'm thinking i wonder if amy knows, and i'm guessing she does, because she looked at me in a strange way, and ....... ok gotta go, enough rambling..... LATER

2003-01-06T09:40:00.000-08:00

That NYE story in full:

New Year's eve is normally a disaster but this one just takes the cake.

Rebecca, i can vaguely remember you asking if my island life was anything like The Rum Diaries. I am pleased to say truth has got dangously close to (fiction) over the past few days.

I am seeing a blonde american girl (as in TRD, she is also a bit mad/free spirited etcetc) then on NYE we have a massive row in this club; shortly after, me and two of my british mates got wrongly accused of urinating in a wine cooler (comical, but true) and were thrown out. I took exception to this and whilst leaving decided to smash up a load of chairs and tables outside the nightclub. And yes, as some italian guys knee made its way to nestling between my shoulder blades with me on the floor ranting at the injustice, i paused momentarily and thought, yes i vaguely remember that Rebecca had asked me whether i had read the rum diaries, and whether my life now was equivalent to the rum dairies and i had thought , on the whole, no because this is a civilised place, and then my thoughts turned to the present; 1am into the good year of our lord 2003, with my face in the mud, police about to be called. Somehow we managed to convinced them not to "call the cops" although i say we advisedly as i was probably still swearing at the injustice of it all etc etc I think that our decision to pay them 150$ for damages helped palcate them somewhat. At this point i felt a strange melancholy descend on me which of course meant that i spurned the chance to get into a taxi with my good friend who had probably saved me from a night in the cells and i thought yes, i'll walk home, the twelve kilometre effect of which i can feel very vividly in my shins today. The good news is i have made up with Liz (phew) although during my walk home i did in fact come to the conclusion that it was in actual fact, and after all, HER FAULT that it had come to this, however time is a healer, and b y the time i had reached halfway home, i realised that it was in fact my fault all along for getting so riotously drunk. At this halfway point i had also sobered up a little and thought to myself, good fellow, you really no longer want to complete this penance, this walk of shame. However, stoical as i was i realised i would bloody well have to, as there were no cabs around and it was trudge a further six kms or sleep in a ditch. A strange feeling engulfed me upon waking at 9am. It was the feeling where one cannot quite believe what one has done (and not in a good way, like after drunken sex) but that one has definitely done something, and something bad, indeed something that would have to be apologised for, and oh yes, the recriminations wpould follow. But who to apologise to and for what. The drunken mind, sieve-like has filtered out the detail and all that is left is the emptiness and the horror.
There is nothing worse than doing some drunken stupidness, except perhaps, doing the drunken stupidness on a very small island. Consequently i am walking around today with my "i know, i know" face as i have not a clue who knows of our adventure. Still, in a few months i am hoping i will look back and even perhaps, be able to afford the incidents a wry smile. Whether we shall be allowed back there again is a valid point and hence i am using some word chicanery in a letter to the owner to apologise for my behaviour (though provoked surely, but i thought it better not to point it out to him) in the hope that he will let me into his restaurant and night club again as it is one of the best the island has to offer.

Enough of this nonsense. Just to say that yes, Rebecca, at one point last night we were living the Rum Diaries!

Happy new year to all.

2003-01-05T11:53:00.000-08:00

OK, back here again. i have tried to work, honestly i have. I may well be here until ten at night tonight, but today, it seems, there is little else to do and it will be dark at 6.

So ok, here is a potted history of the significant loves/tumbles and general encounters with members of the opposite sex. Not exaughstive by the way

1991 - Emmeline Collins. The first girl i think i ever really showed an interest in. Nice skin and amazing eyes, she moved in just around the corner from me and went to school with my cousin. My mother noticed i started taking an interest in personal hygiene at this point in my life. I dreamed of a life with this girl based on our mutual interest of Hiphop (especially Public Enemy, as i recall), alas it never happened, despite our becoming quite close friends for a good two to three years. I wrote her lots of letters which (which of course it wasn't) i thought was incredibly grown up - trying to rationalise my feelings blah blah blah. In later years she spoiled it all by getting off with some of my friends, (some of which it must be said are/were real losers). Still i am grateful to her for my finest adolescent moments where i would dream of being some lovesick martyr, or some such nonsense. I still rate 1991 as the worst year i have lived on this planet, but mainly because two of my cats died before their time. Sad.

I wasn't into Cats names - so i called them Becky and Camilla. odd looking back. Camilla died of pleurisy and i remember the vet telling me that i would need to monitor her breathing patterns to see if there was any chance of a recovery. If she was breathing more than x times in a minute in a weeks time it would look bleak. I remember quite vividly holding my watch in my hand (never worn a watch until six months ago in fact) and quite blatantly lying to myself knocking ten breaths off at the 30 second stage etc. Strange, as if lying to myself would make it alright. Maybe set a worrying precedent.

Anyway, off topic
1992 - Claire Napier. First sexual encounter. Only ever saw the girl twice in my life, and the V was lost on the second occasion after some pretty heavy cider drinking as i recall. It happened on her Dad's waterbed, which as virginity stories go, is quite good i think, and is a story i always recall with a smile. She was quite sick in the morning, hopefully due to the drink and not me. I recall she didn't have a phone and therefore i think that i did maybe try to write to her, but may well have got the address wrong. or she may have not wanted to see me again. Both carry some creedence i feel.

1993 - Erica

Younger Sister of my best friend's girlfiend at the time. I, of course fancied my friend's gf and had to make do. Odd girl, but nice. Many people disliked her for some reason but not me.

1993 - Lola

Recall little about this dalliance other than the fact that she was a couple of years older than me and was blonde.

1994 - University starts: Melissa End. She was the one, and still is or was or who knows.Just thinking about her is wearing. So i shall back to work, and complete this little list later.

2003-01-05T10:31:00.000-08:00

Ho Hum, the New Year has started and i am at work on a sunday. Work here is different to work in London, and i say this because i can be at home in my bed in ten minutes rather than having to endure the vagaries of London Transport and the foftyfive minute commute. (at least). I should start by saying that this blog will have numerous spelling mistakes and miskeys and for that i make no apologies except.

1. I will often be drunk or more likely hungover
2. This laptop is very old, i have tried to disable the "nipple" between the b g and h but with no success
3. It is over five years since i completed my english (and classics) degree, and the resulting months and days working in finance have dulled my linguistic sensibilities.

This is all i shall post today i think other than to say:

I am Male
I am 26
I have just finished reading: The Rum Diaries by Hunter S Thompson
I am currently reading: Europa by Tim Parks

I am in the atlantic somewhere.

On Christmas Eve, i had the best sex of my life. (more on this later)
On New Years Eve, several things went wrong (more on this later)